Senreeka, a friend of mine, e-mailed me this commencement speech given by the Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quinlen, at the graduation ceremony of Villanova University – where she received her honorary PhD.
I read this speech and knew right away I wanted to share it with you. This is one of those rare gems that touches the soul and reminds you what life truly could be about… Not because what you are doing right now is bad or wrong in any way. But, rather, because we sometimes get so caught up in the “doing” of life that we miss the living of it… And that is NOT USEFUL!

All people who live will die. But, not all people who die will have lived.”

– Anonymous

I hope you enjoy reading this speech as much as I did…

“It’s a great honor for me to be the third member of my family to receive an honorary doctorate from this great university. It’s an honor to follow my great-uncle Jim, who was a gifted physician, and my Uncle Jack, who is a remarkable businessman. Both of them could have told you something important about their professions, about medicine or commerce. I have no specialized field of interest or expertise, which puts me at a disadvantage, talking to you today. I’m a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know.

Don’t ever confuse the two, your life and your work. The second is only part of the first. Don’t ever forget what a friend once wrote Senator Paul Tsongas when the senator decided not to run for reelection because he’d been diagnosed with cancer: “No man ever said on his deathbed I wish I had spent more time in the office.”

Don’t ever forget the words my father sent me on a postcard last year: “If you win the rat race, you’re still a rat.” Or what John Lennon wrote before he was gunned down in the driveway of the Dakota: “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.”

You walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree; there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank account, but your soul.

People don’t talk about the soul very much anymore. It’s so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold comfort on a winter night, or when you’re sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you’ve gotten back the test results and they’re not so good.

Here is my resume. I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.

I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.

I am a good friend to my friends, and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cutout. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.

I would be rotten, or at best mediocre at my job, if those other things were not true. You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are.

So here’s what I wanted to tell you today: get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you’d care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water gap or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure; it is work. Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug your Dad.

Get a life in which you are generous. Look around at the azaleas in the suburban neighborhood where you grew up; look at a full moon hanging silver in a black, black sky on a cold night. And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted.

Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough.

It is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of the azaleas, the sheen of the limestone on Fifth Avenue, the color of our kids’ eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of live.

I learned to live many years ago. Something really, really bad happened to me, something that changed my life in ways that, if I had my druthers, it would never have been changed at all. And what I learned from it is what, today, seems to be the hardest lesson of all.

I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get.

I learned to look at all the good in the world and to try to give some of it back because I believed in it completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field.Look at the fuzz on a baby’s ear. Read in the backyard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy.

And think of life as a terminal illness because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived.

Well, you can learn all those things, out there, if you get a real life, a full life, a professional life, yes, but another life, too, a life of love and laughs and a connection to other human beings. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Here you could learn in the classroom. There the classroom is everywhere. The exam comes at the very end.

No man ever said on his deathbed I wish I had spent more time at the office.

I found one of my best teachers on the boardwalk at Coney Island maybe 15 years ago. It was December, and I was doing a story about how the homeless survive in the winter months. He and I sat on the edge of the wooden supports, dangling our feet over the side, and he told me about his schedule, panhandling the boulevard when the summer crowds were gone, sleeping in a church when the temperature went below freezing, hiding from the police amidst the Tilt-a-Whirl and the Cyclone and some of the other seasonal rides.

But he told me that most of the time he stayed on the boardwalk, facing the water, just the way we were sitting now, even when it got cold and he had to wear his newspapers after he read them.

And I asked him why. Why didn’t he go to one of the shelters? Why didn’t he check himself into the hospital for detox?

And he just stared out at the ocean and said, “Look at the view, young lady. Look at the view.” And every day, in some little way, I try to do what he said. I try to look at the view.

And that’s the last thing I have to tell you today, words of wisdom from a man with not a dime in his pocket, no place to go, nowhere to be.

Look at the view. You’ll never be disappointed.”

August 26th, 2008… I remember that day well. That was the day I ALMOST developed a bridge phobia.
My whole family woke up at 4:30 in the morning and there was a terrible rushing around the house to make sure everything was in order.
Laptops – Check ; Snacks – Check ; Warm Clothes – Check. We had to make sure we had everything we would need for the 6-hour wait in that terrible hospital family waiting area while my sister underwent her surgery. Of course she was as calm as could be – What did she have to do besides go to sleep for 6-hours?… I couldn’t say the same for my mom, though. She was trying to hide her nerves, but she was definitely more on-edge and excitable than your average mother hen. And, of course, trying to be strong for my family, I was trying to make the whole situation light-hearted and trying to distract everyone from any possible negative thoughts that may arise.
We get down to the car, pack it up and my father hands me the car keys – as he always does because he hates driving while its dark… No problem! – After all, I love driving and it’ll give me something to keep my mind on for the hour-long drive down to the hospital in Miami Beach.
So, we begin our drive down the I-95 freeway and all’s going great. No traffic this early in the morning. We’re all talking and trying to hide our inner-anxieties from each other.
THEN the darndest thing happens… As I drive over a bridge on the highway – The same bridge I must drive over at least 3 times in any given week… Yup!, that one! – my mind starts imagining that I might just drive the car over the side and kill my entire family.
I try and push the thought out of my mind… Think happy thoughts… Think Happy thoughts… Easter bunnies, jungle gyms, rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens… DARN IT, I’m so nervous I’m stealing lines from the movie “The Sound of Music” – But it doesn’t help… I start getting stuck in the thought that the bridge is too narrow and what if a tire were to burst and I were to lose control of the car… This REALLY sucks!!

I want to scream, but given the current mood in the car, I just wipe my INTENSELY sweaty palms on my jeans and keep trying to banter with my family – hoping they think the anxious break in my voice is nothing more than morning grogginess.
Thank god the entire bridge episode lasted no more than those eternal 60-seconds, but I was already dreading the thought of what would happen when I drove over the next bridge – After all, I’m a darn good hypnotist and I know how easily phobias can lock themselves in a person’s mind… Did I mention that THIS SUCKS?

So, we get to the hospital with no further complications from my side. Hand my sister over to the nurses, kiss her good luck and begin our tedious 6-hour wait.
While sitting there waiting, I turn to my girlfriend (who is an extremely gifted practitioner herself) and begin to tell her that it absolutely sucks that I think I might have just developed a bridge phobia and have to call Pavel as soon as I can to have him do one of our phobia-cure procedures on me. I truly must admit that I forget how wonderfully talented and insightful she is, though (to learn more about her, check out www.inthemomentcoach.com). She simply asks me one question – “Do you think this has to do with driving over the bridge, or do you think it might be about your sister dying in surgery?”
I mean, in telling you this story, I’m sure you have already very easily made that connection yourself, but when it’s all happening at once, your mind truly doesn’t notice the obvious. I quickly shrugged off the idea and said I didn’t think that was the case, but she simply asked me again if I was sure.
Was I sure? … NO!.. Not really… But my ego was already stuck in the thought that I was afraid of the bridge, not nervous about my sister going under the scalpel… What a silly question for her to ask TWICE now??

But I have to admit it – Thanks to her loving, very non-confrontational way of asking me, I considered the possibility and POOF! Just like magic, I got in touch with my REAL fears about my sister’s operation, her possible death, my needs to keep a strong face for my family’s sake, etc – All the things I had to bottle up to make it through that anxiety-filled morning without cracking… But my mind, being nervous and overwhelmed HAD to find an outlet – It began imagining driving off a bridge. Was I in ANY way afraid of that… NO! But, I was filled with anxiety and that was the easiest path for the fears to manifest themselves in my body.

Thankfully for my girlfriend’s keen insight and more-so her persistence at making me really consider that fact, I’ve never had a fear driving over bridges again because I truly dealt with the core issue that created the phobia in the first place.

And now, THAT is a point worth mentioning and considering… Imagine, for a moment that I did not overcome this phobia and did not have gifted healers such as my girlfriend around me. I would slowly, but surely have allowed my fears of driving over bridges make me more and more nervous of driving over one to the point that – at an extreme – I may have even developed an entire fear of driving at all – I’ve seen it happen to hundreds of people over the span of my career and the mental path one goes down to make that kind of phobia expand that way is, unfortunately, extremely easy to go down, but seemingly impossible to move back up.
But, THE absolute biggest point to consider FOR ANY PHOBIA is this… Regardless how much I would have rationalized about how safe bridges are, how unlikely it would be for me to have a tire blow-out right while I was on the bridge… I would never have been able to overcome this phobia.
Why? Because my underlying anxiety had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the bridge, it had to do with worry for my sister’s operation. So, I could tell myself how safe the bridge is, etc, BUT I would still be feeling anxious… However, I have my girlfriend completely ignore the bridge issue and say to me “you’re nervous over your sister’s operation – It’s okay, it’s scary… But she’ll be Ok” and my entire phobia crumbles like a sand-castle during high-tide.

The main point here is that most people try and rationalize their phobias away – “You shouldn’t be scared of spiders or doctors or bridges because…” and they try and find statistics to prove to themselves that the object of their fear is substantially safer than they feel it to be in their moment of panic… But the very definition of a phobia is “An exaggerated usually inexplicable and illogical fear of a particular object, class of objects, or situation” … Consider that… ILLOGICAL… It’s not that it truly is illogical, rather that it defies rational reason why you are still afraid of that object or situation.

I am writing you this for one specific reason – Phobias can VERY EASILY BE HEALED… But, trying to rationalize with an irrational fear is about as smart as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble-gum! The only real way to heal a phobia is either by:
(a) Dealing with the REAL core fear that drives the phobia in the first place.
This way works fantastically well, the only problem with it is that it can sometimes be very hard to really get to the core anxiety that created the phobia and to heal it properly. That is one of the AMAZING powers of either a very gifted, insightful healer and, as Pavel and I like to sometimes use – Hypno-analysis – The process of using hypnosis to take you back to the original time and have you re-examine the original incident to see other factors that you may have missed back then.
Or, the other, oftentimes, almost instant cure:
(b) Dealing with the EMOTIONS driving the phobia rather than the thoughts.
The point here is that regardless what the core underlying issue was that created my phobia (in this story’s case – my anxiety over my sister having an operation), the emotions are very real!
So, if you simply move beyond trying to rationalize away the logic of the phobia and, rather, manage to release or “move away” from the EMOTIONS… you are cured! – No need for analyzing how or where it started. Simply no longer under the power of the fear in the first place.

This is why I wish to tell you and tell you clearly… PHOBIAS CAN BE HEALED!
Not only can they be healed, but oftentimes in less than an hour and most other times in less than a couple of hours for the stubborn ones.
If you have a phobia you would like to heal (or know someone else that does), please contact me and, perhaps, if we have space in our 44phobic roster, you might even get you phobia cured absolutely for free!
If you are not in my area, have a look in your area for a phobia specialist. Now that you understand how a phobia should be treated, you can interview them to see if they are truly capable of helping you or contact me and I’ll do my very best to try and help you find a good practitioner and end this suffering once and for all… You deserve that, don’t you think?

CBS News – March 30, 2002

By Ellen Crean

Children are often better candidates for hypnosis than adults, says one clinical psychologist, and the process can help resolve such problems as pain, anxiety, bed wetting, and asthma.

Robert Shacter of New York’s Mount Sinai School of Medicine talked about children and hypnosis on The Saturday Early Show. He says children tend to respond to hypnotic suggestion better than adults because they are more in touch with their imaginations.

Children can be hypnotized as early as age 3, he says, adding, “But in my personal experience, I have found that children ages 5 or older respond best to the treatment.”

Here is part of a pre-interview with Robert Shacter.

The easiest way to hypnotize a child is to have them focus on a point, he explains. They will do that until their eyes begin to feel heavy, and they become sleepy. You now have them in a trance-like state. Once they are in this state, you begin to tell the child stories that can alleviate whatever problems they may have.

What role, if any, does the parent play during a hypnosis session?
As in any therapy, it is important for parents to know what is going on. But in the actual session the parent is either not there or in the backround. So they really don’t play any part in the actual therapy.

How many times does a typical child visit a hypnotist?
Most children attend 4 to 8 sessions with a qualified hypnotist. During that time, the hypnotist can teach a child how to hypnotize himself.

How do I know if my child if a candidate for hypnosis?
Most children are good candidates. It just depends on whether the problems they are having can be helped by hypnosis.

Here are some of the problems that might be helped by hypnosis:

Pain. Hypnosis is very effective at alleviating the pain of children undergoing cancer treatments. What we do is help the child go somewhere else, away from the pain. By accessing the unconscious, the child creates images that forces them to focus on something other than the pain they are feeling.

For example, if you squeezed your hand very tightly to the point that it hurt and then someone asked you to focus on something else, you would not be as aware of the pain in your hand.

Anxiety. A child who is anxious often breathes more quickly and has a higher heart rate. With hypnosis, we can teach them to breathe more slowly, lower their heart rate and take them away from whatever is making them anxious.

Bed Wetting. Many doctors prescribe medicine for children who have a bed-wetting problem. But now more physicians are turning to hypnosis, which has very positive results. Part of the reason that it works so well is that kids play an active role in their treatment rather than just taking a pill.

Asthma. When children with asthma feel their throats constricting, they begin to feel anxious and breathe more heavily. With hypnosis, you teach the child to calm down and bring them to another place.

How effective is hypnosis in children?
In the right child, hypnotism can be very successful. Remember: There are some children who have a harder time letting go. But for those who can, the results can be very positive. Another plus of hypnosis is that unlike drugs, the risk of harm is low.

Why aren’t more doctors using hypnotism?
It’s just not taught that much in schools, and some people still don’t want to recognize it as a viable alternative. However, it is becoming more popular, and many insurers will cover it.

© 2002 CBS News – Read this article at CBSNews.com